This is gonna be a long whiny, venty, rant. You have been warned. All I will emphasize up front is it is not directed at anyone in particular unless it is aimed at myself. I think I have rewritten this post at least three times now over the last few days. I have something that's been gnawing on me but I can't seem to put it into words in a way that expresses what is bothering me. This is really just a "Dear Diary" sorta thing to help me get my feelings off my chest. So here goes...
One of the attractions of any MMO is the ability to interact with others. It can also be one of the difficulties. We each have expectations of how ourselves and others should perform. Very often, we or they can't live up to those standards for whatever reason and frustration can start to detract from the fun of the game. I know I am way harder on myself than anyone else could be. I am that way in real life too. Yet I still foolishly take some things more personally then I should when I perceive that others I game with are disappointed by my performance.
I have been working harder than I have in the past on this toon in terms of gearing up and learning some of the finer points of this game that I have managed to stumble through over the last 2+ years. I have learned much to my own virtual pain (and often the pain of others) just how pivotal the role of tank can be. There isn't a lot of room for error, you have to be tracking several things at once, you need a well laid out interface, you need an awareness of a much broader virtual space around you and if you flub it up, it is pretty obvious to all as you set the tone and the pace of your group.
It is both a blessing and curse to be learning this role surrounded by veteran gamers like I am lucky enough to have teamed up with. A blessing from the standpoint that I have had benefited from oodles of advise and opinions and suggestions from those far more experienced than I. But it is the curse I am trying to work through mentally.
I point out often that I am not any sort of "uber" gamer, but I am a very competitive person by nature. I try to give 110% in whatever I do and at the end of the day, as long as I feel I have given my best effort, I can live with not being the best. Yet I can't seem to shake the feeling that it isn't enough.
I think one of the most frustrating things for me is the expectation of me, real or just perceived, that I know all the various instances like the back of my hand, even after a single visit. Maybe I am a slow learner when it comes to games like this, I don't know, but it seems like something that takes a little time. I take the time before I go into each new area to read up on the bosses and tactics, but one can read about that sort of thing all they want, until they do it a couple times, they are just not gonna be perfect. I guess I just wish I didn't feel like I am being seen as some sort of noob because I don't know all this stuff instinctively. I know that it may take me longer than some to master a given fight, but I also know I *will* do so given time.
The other thing that worries me is that I hesitate too much. I am reluctant to try areas I haven't been in before or often because my lack of experience seems to grate on others. The irony there is rather plain. The only way to get that experience is too go to those places I guess I am just used to being in a more "senior" position than I find myself in. I am used to being one of the people others look too if not for leadership than at least for advise and I don't even currently feel that I inspire a lot of confidence in the people I game with.
God, I talk too much. I guess when it is all said and done, I am just gonna have to try my best and if I am still not enjoying the game, maybe it is time to find another hobby.
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